What do you do when you feel like you pray and you get it wrong?
I’ve been struggling with this. That’s the root of it. But my first thoughts that showed me this was the problem is… I stopped writing for a bit.
Because I wrote things about what I prayed about. And then it didn’t pan out how I thought. And I got scared. And then I realized the responsibility of writing. The responsibility of sharing things and presenting them as truths. (Not that I shared untruths or lies. I just have a different perspective now. And it’s not all ironed out and perfect. It’s not refined.)
But the thing is, I learned from another author recently- that in this whole writing thing I am not the source of truth. (I mean obviously ;). BUT. I am not the source of truth. I can speak things that I think God is teaching me. I can share my life. Share words and work and learning. But it’s all a process. And that’s messy and difficult and will be refined over time. I'm coming to God and asking Him for direction. And I'm sharing the process. And it's okay to pray about something and learn along the way and share the journey.
It won't always feel sure.
And that’s okay.
Does anyone else feel like this?
Like you’ve prayed over something for years and felt so SURE.
Nothing. Very different than what I thought. Not unexpected. Just…
My prayers definitely took me a direction. They put me on a trajectory that I do know without a doubt was where God wanted me to be. It put me in a season of extreme growth and adventure that I craved. I grew up a lot. Learned a lot. Landed where I am today.
And all I can say now is that I miss writing. I don’t know what happened with all the years praying about the thing that didn’t pan out. And I don’t know if I’ve let that go. I don’t know what to do with that season yet. With my thoughts about that season. All I’m saying is I miss the journey of writing. So here I am again. Trusting God on this journey again.
Trusting that I can pray about things and allow Him to lead it. And I can share what I’m learning and trust that He is refining. Trust that He is coming right alongside me.
It feels like a season of transition. (Do we have a choice in 2020 being anything but that?) It’s a season of growth and… refinement.
The word is refinement. If this year is anything it seems like refinement in a fire. Narrowing into focus. Deepening in purpose. Has it felt like that for you?
So this is my first attempt back into the thing I love- writing. I had lost the motivation. I prayed that if it was God’s will He would bring back my voice. Remove a bit of the fear and stress and start moving me in the direction of making words again. And its so refreshing. In a scary, unsure but attempting to trust sort of way.
I can’t say I’m an expert. I can’t say I have answers. I can’t say that I understand what happened to my prayer. Why it was the way it was. Why I felt so sure and nothing happened. But I know that those prayers- those thoughts that God helped me sort through and move forward in- they set me on a path. And I do know without a doubt that the path was His, even if the end result wasn’t what I thought. So I have to trust Him in that. I do know He was with me every step of the way even if I don’t necessarily understand the result. And knowing He’s there is most certainly better than just having things pan out the way I thought they would.