I guess I’m waiting on God still.
I thought maybe I had skipped over that season. Previously to this April, I was very very aware that I was in a “waiting season.” I could feel the weight of it. My life just felt a bit on hold while my desire was waging war with the reality of life in front of me.
What do we do when the weight of our desire is so heavy that we’re constantly reminded that our present isn’t how we want it to be?
In April, my waiting abated momentarily. I thought that maybe I had gotten past it. Like I was released from waiting for what I wanted. I had somehow escaped it.
Nope. I found out today that the weight is still there. I’m still waiting.
Hopefully this all makes sense.
I was standing in church this morning (for the first time in a while), worshipping to the lyrics “You’re never gonna let, never gonna let me down.”
And I couldn’t sing them.
Maybe because I desperately hope that it’s true.
And maybe because most of me has trouble believing that it’s true.
Maybe my waiting feeling seemingly abated because I had given up hope of God actually coming through.
I can barely sort through my feelings in the stage of life I am in right now.
There are just too many.
The hope I have left right now is in the fact that God is bigger than my emotions. That He must be bigger than all of the things I don’t have answers for. He must be working on my behalf. I desperately hope so. Because I desperately need Him to be.
I’ve heard that He comes through.
I’ve heard that He delivers on promises.
I’ve heard that He works when we don’t even know He’s working.
I’ve heard that He has a heart for me.
I used to know all of these things without a doubt.
In the past few months, I’ll spend time journaling and talking to God in the morning, and the main thing I always remember Him saying each time is, “What do you want?”
And questions rage through my mind, like “Why does it matter? Why do you want to know? Gosh, what do I actually want?”
I can barely pinpoint what I want. Barely. It changes daily.
So this morning, before church, when He asked me what I wanted, I had one answer. It was at the forefront of my mind.
And when I got to church and sang, “You’re never gonna let me down” I realized that I thought He had let me down in that area. In the area of the thing I want the most.
And so I face the questions… “Why have I asked for so long and you have not delivered? Why have I seen glimpses, but no final answers? Why am I still struggling? Why do I have to want this? If you ask what I want and say that you want to give it, THEN WHERE IS IT?”
I know I probably won’t think I’m stuck later. Later I’ll look back and see that He had a plan,
But right now I just remember what I want.
And there is a vague sadness.
And an irresolute hope that He might answer.
And a realization that I’m still waiting.
And I slight desire that He’d come through and do something about it.
Right now I don’t have anything to offer Him except being with Him and maybe the answer to the question He’s constantly asking me. “What do you want?”