Last night I woke up at 3:20 am.
And there’s a worry that won’t subside. Or very rarely will it give way to peace.
What if all the things I want don’t turn out?
The worries rise up. And I’m stuck thinking.
And then it’s suddenly 5:10 in the morning, and I finally give way to sleep. Because I’ve worn myself out.
What is it in me- this need to fight in my own mind? To worry? To control?
And why can’t I shake it?
That’s what’s really perplexing.
I can’t get rid of it.
And to an extent, I wonder…
Is it because I don’t want to?
What does my worry do for me? (Besides the obvious of causing knots in my stomach, fear in my heart and mind, and motionlessness in my daily actions and life.)
It gives me some sort of sense of control.
It is a replacement of trust.
I worry because in my core, I don’t trust God.
If I did, I would have heard all of the ways He told me yesterday that it all was going to be okay.
I would have truly heard and believed with joy that He said that “Good things are coming.”
That He has surprises for me. That it will all turn out better than I expected.
That He is way more in control than I know and could ever perceive.
Sometimes I can sense God smiling at me when He says that. “Daughter, I’ve got this way more than you know. Just wait.”
And, in that moment, I should relax.
For a minute I do. For a small second, something in my heart sees that God is so nonchalantly in control. That He is so in control that He can actually have joy in the midst of this and just laugh.
If only I could somehow get a glimpse of that small, laughable, joyful ease.
It’s not something that can be forced.
The more I tense up, the more worried I get.
And so all I can do is fight myself until I’m tired. And give up.
And in that tiredness this morning, I’m reminded of how upside down the Kingdom of God is in comparison with the ways of the world.
It’s most always surprising.
The Kingdom of God is oftentimes in giving up and finding rest instead of fighting.
The Kingdom of God is in trust and hoping beyond all hope that the smallest seed can survive the harshest conditions of the world.
The Kingdom of God is in small things suddenly becoming big. Mountains suddenly becoming small. Dead men suddenly becoming alive.
It is not always how it seems.
Success comes from giving up.
And resolution comes from trust. (Which most of the time feels like doing nothing.)
And with these reminders of how God actually works, I can relax a little bit. Just a little bit. I can give up a little bit. Give in a little.
And in a small way I know that giving in is most definitely not an act of hopelessness…
But an act of trust and freedom.