I've been feeling a frustration lately. It's been rising up and has been so unsettling, but in some ways it feels right and good and holy. A wrestling. An overcoming. A waiting.
I can't quite describe it. But I know there are large, deep words just waiting to be grasped about it. I'm attempting to pull them out of the air.
About to rain down with importance, just as clouds look dark and beautifully heavy and full before they let loose in a quiet rain from the weight of holding so much for so long.
A soft, yet powerfully-needed and life-giving release of water where, just moments before, the skies are a light, soft grey. Not unsettling, not unhappy, not unjust, but almost waiting. Waiting patiently for the moment until they are so full with a restless promise of rain that they can no longer hold it in anymore.
It is a light impatience. Characterized by light grey tones that settle the soul but at the same time leave room for wondering… an unsettled expectancy.
You can hear me grasping, can’t you? It’s not even on the tip of my tongue. It’s better to write it, because it’s quieter- it seems to fit in better with the light grey feeling that surrounds.
It’s not foreboding.
It’s a slight wrestling feeling.
That accompanies unfulfilled wanting.
A slight impatience.
That seems at times extremely justified, yet subdued by a need for trust.
And the interesting thing is… I don’t know where it comes from.
There is no source that I yet can see. I can’t put my finger on it.
I’m not long acquainted with frustration. It comes rarely to me.
And never lasts for more than a day.
So this frustration, this light, heavy, waiting rain, is new for me.
So I don’t push it away.
It doesn’t feel unholy.
Not the frustration that should be cast off because pride is the source.
There’s a justification in it...
A searching for right resolution that I just know is there, but haven’t yet found.
So I wait and grasp.
Knowing that time probably won’t heal.
But words might in this time.
Or something might just break through and nudge the light-grey-sky-neighboring clouds enough to start the long-needed downpour- the sudden release that happens quietly.
And so I wait.